As Toronto prepares to ring in 2024, Rosie DiManno picks the stupidest stories of the year

Which doesn’t make outgoing 2023 any easier to swallow or spit up.

Here in the centre of the universe, which often acted like the epicentre of global turmoil, demonstrators shut down streets, splattered antisemitic graffiti on bookstore windows, and menaced Christmas shoppers at the malls. Alleged hate crimes against Jews, Muslims and gays skyrocketed even as police did just about nothing to liberate roads blocked by protesters. Little separated the raging radical left from the raving lunatic right.

A mayoral election that nobody saw coming. Cops and robbers and robbers that were cops. Terror on the TTC, cyclists versus drivers versus pedestrians, construction up the wazoo, encampments that took public parks hostage, and choking traffic congestion that brought the city into a permanent standstill.

The Jays struck out, the Leafs yet again proved less than the sum of their flashy core parts in the playoffs, the Raptors couldn’t drain baskets and the raccoons won another round.

Herewith a look back at some of the flaky moments and indelible incidents from the year that was in T.O. and hereabouts. Now go on, get lost '23.

Crazy Town Redux: Mayor Olivia Chow supports proposal to rename Etobicoke’s Centennial Park Stadium after her notorious predecessor Rob Ford.

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Breaking News Headlines & Top Stories | The Star

• Dec 31, 1969

Breaking News Headlines & Top Stories | The Star

• Dec 31, 1969

Two Wrongs Make a Right: Toronto council changes name of Yonge-Dundas Square to Sankofa Square — a name that has zero relevance to the city — bumping out an 18th-century Scottish politician whose vote delayed abolition of slavery for a term that originated from a pre-colonial Ghana tribe that trafficked heavily in the slave trade.

Yoohoo Roo: Kangaroo goes on the lam during a relocation pit stop, leading police on a merry hop for four days — but not before she struck an officer.

Urine a Lot of Trouble: Driver who “needed to use the bathroom’’ is caught doing 153km/h in Brampton.

That'll Do Me for a Week: Truck containing nine million illegal cigarettes is seized on Highway 407.

Give Me Your Tired, Your Poor ... Oh, Wait, That's Not Us:  Asylum seekers are forced to sleep on a downtown sidewalk outside an intake shelter office because of insufficient shelter space.

All Good Dogs Go to Heaven: Police dog Bingo is shot dead in the line of duty after cops confront a suspect with a gun.

City Takes the Cork Out of its Arse: Booze is allowed at some Toronto parks in a pilot program.

Bois du Bicker: City eliminates more than half of its parking spaces at High Park as part of its revitalization strategy, touching off furious debate among drivers, cyclists and pedestrians.

Swiftapalooza: Taylor Swift adds Toronto stop to her record-busting Eras Tour, which sells out within hours.

Knicks Knack: New York Knicks sue the Raptors over alleged conspiracy to steal thousands of videos and other scouting secrets.

Ticket Punched: Scarborough RT closes down for good following a derailment that sends five people to hospital with minor injuries.

Dues and Don'ts: Ontario Public Service Employees Union sues three former executives for more than $6 million, alleging they’d enriched themselves unjustly using the union’s money and assets.

Pocketful of Miracles: In front of a sold-out crowd at Scotiabank Arena, Drake offers to pay medical bills for a concertgoer suffering from MS as well as the tuitions of seven other fans.

And 238M Traffic Cones on the Street: Toronto once again ranks first in North America with 238 construction cranes in the sky.

Waahh-waahh-waahh-ing Past the Graveyard: Toronto’s paramedics union announces that the city doesn’t have enough ambulances to deal with a major disaster involving mass casualties.

Mind the Boors: TTC hikes fares by 10 cents and hires 50 more special constables to bolster security amidst a spike in violent crime on the transit system.

Henpecked: Chicken breast reaches $26/kg at Loblaws.

One Down: A raccoon chewing on equipment at a transmission station is fingered as the culprit for a power outage that threw parts of Toronto and Scarborough into the dark. The raccoon died.

Crash Trash Panda: A woman who tries to avoid running over a raccoon rams into a parked car and flips her own vehicle.

Teeny Boppers: Up to 15 teenagers attack two TTC employees on a bus in what police describe as a “swarming assault.’’

Take a Bough Jackboots: Metrolinx uproots centuries-old trees at Osgoode Hall to make room for a new station on the Ontario Line.

Limb from Limb: Metrolinx cuts down 61 mature trees in Moss Park to make room for the Ontario Line.

Spamalot: Tree removal begins at Ontario Place in a prequel to redevelopment of the waterfront landmark for a $350-million private spa that nobody wants.

Internal Affairs: Mayor John Tory stuns everybody by resigning after admitting to an inappropriate relationship with a woman who worked in his office.

Bench Pressed: In a highly unusual decision that referenced anti-vaccine misinformation, a Newmarket family court judge rules that a father who didn’t want his children vaccinated should be allowed to call expert evidence at a trial challenging the “extremely controversial’’ position that COVID vaccines are safe and effective.

Shopper Drugs Mart: Ten people, including six under age 18, are arrested in “Project Mayhem’,’ related to 26 armed pharmacy robberies.

Jihad to Do That? In a misguided attempt to celebrate Somali Heritage Month, principal of a Parkdale school emails image of an ISIS flag to 700 families.

W-hoops, There it Isn't: The hosts of NBA on TNT fail to locate Toronto on a map of Canada, placing it somewhere around Hudson Bay.

Ad Hominen: Personal injury lawyer Jeremy Diamond is banned from practising for three months and fined $100,000 after a disciplinary panel found him guilty of professional misconduct for misleading advertising.

Spliff Decision: Mississauga lifts its ban on cannabis stores.

Turd-o Charged: Torontonians flood social media to complain about a plague of unscooped dog poop in public parks.

Ding-Dong Hangs Ten and Then Some: Video clip shows a nude man surfing atop a hatchback as it drives through an intersection at King and Simcoe Streets in Oshawa, Ont.

But Raccoons Dine in à la Dumpster Splendor: New regulations make it illegal to feed pigeons or squirrels anywhere in Toronto.

Mum's the (Bad) Word: East-end public school is called out for posting a Mother’s Day greeting on its outdoor message board — LIFE DOES NOT COME WITH A MANUAL IT COMES WITH A MOM — deemed “harmful’’ and “exclusionary’’ by woke cranks.

Pol-axed: City raises fees for curbside patios and devises a new set of bureaucratic hoops for restaurateurs to jump through, resulting in a 40 per cent drop in CafeTO applications.

You're Hogging the Blanket Again: Instagram account lists posting for a roommate to share queen-sized bed in “lake-facing downtown condo’’ for 900 bucks a month.

You're Hogging the Real Estate Again: Statistics Canada reports that 50 per cent of recently built Toronto condo units are owned by investors.

Arrested Developments: Peel Regional Police release records revealing that more than a dozen officers have kept their jobs despite being found guilty of crimes including impaired driving and forgery.

Hell-bent for Feathers: Woman charged with impaired driving has a duck in the front passenger seat.

Meow Mix: 135 cats are rescued from a single home just outside the city.

D-artful Dodge: Convicted sex offender, designated dangerous offender, escapes from CAMH for the third time.

Still Better than Anchovies: Man finds a plastic glove baked into the pizza he says he bought at a Pizza Pizza in Aurora.

Vroom Zoom Sha-boom: Police recover more than 1,000 high-end stolen vehicles, valued at nearly $60 million, and 228 people are charged in Project Stallion.

Won and Done: Maple Leafs finally win one (1) playoff round for the first time in nearly two decades.

Swing and a Hiss: A man is arrested after attacking another man with a python.

You Looking at Me? Man rides the subway with a boa snake curled around his neck.

Lounge Lizard: Snake spotted slithering around Terminal 1 baggage hall.

Boy Genius Dekes Himself out of a Job: Kyle Dubas is fired as Leafs GM following a bizarre end-of season press conference.

What Would the Baby Jesus Do? York Catholic District School Board votes against flying the Pride flag at its Catholic Education Centre.

Mound of Trouble: Blue Jays cut pitcher Anthony Bass after the reliever reposts an anti-LGBTQ tweet, just hours before he was supposed to catch a ceremonial first pitch from an LGBTQ activist to launch the team’s annual Pride Weekend celebration.

Cache and Carry: Police seized 28 handguns after cleaning staff found the weapons in a North York hotel room.

ZZZZip-locked: Blue Jays pitcher Yusei Kikuchi blames a poor night’s sleep — less than his usual 13- or 14-hour kip — after being pulled early from a start.

Tunnel Mission: After six months in subterranean purgatory, stuck in a spaghetti of steel wires, a little tunnel-boring machine is finally retrieved in a rescue mission that cost the city $25 million.

Double Vision: Two people are reported to police walking naked in traffic along the DVP.

Pro Bozos: A group of law students at Toronto Metropolitan University declares its “unequivocal support’’ for “all forms of Palestinian resistance’’ in a letter following the slaughtering Hamas raids into Israel.

Hive and Go Seek: Five million bees fall out of a truck in Burlington.

Noooooo Money: Longtime furniture emporium Bad Boy files for bankruptcy protection.

Light Vapid Transit: Twelve years into construction, Metrolinx CEO still won’t provide an opening date for the beleaguered Eglinton Crosstown LRT.

No Shoh: A crazed nation glues itself to a flight tracker purportedly bringing unicorn Shohei Ohtani from Anaheim to Toronto to sign with the Blue Jays. Except Ohtani was never on the plane, signs with the L.A. Dodgers for a record $700 million and Jays fans are left heartbroken.

Phat Trick for Papi: Auston Matthews puts pen to paper on a $53-million contract extension that will make him the highest paid player in the NHL.

No Country for Old Squabbles: Festival Eritrea at Earlscourt Park descends into a violent melee, sending eight people to hospital with injuries.

What Is Drawing a Blank? Toronto resident and quiz show champ Mattea Roach loses the “Jeopardy! Masters’’ competition with incorrect answer to Final Jeopardy question: These two mayors gave their names to facility built on the site of an old racetrack owned by Coca-Cola magnate Asa Candler. (“Who are Churchill and Downs? Idk’’)

The Great Plane Robbery Brinksmanship: Air Canada denies responsibility in a lawsuit brought by Brink’s over a “gold heist’’ at Toronto Pearson — a container with roughly $20 million in gold and other high-value items vanished.

Taking Your Breath Away: Drifting smoke from Ontario and Quebec forest fires blanket Toronto, making the city among the world’s worst for air quality and pollution.

Missing Him-Her-Them-They-Whoever: Toronto police announce they will no longer routinely include surnames or gender of missing persons.

Slam Wham Boodle: In a bizarre drive-thru break-in, stolen Audi smashes through the entrance of a Vaughan mall, drives through the complex, stops at an electronics store where merchandise is grabbed, then crashes through another set of doors to flee the mall.

In a Lather: Firefighters are summoned to hose down a Mississauga intersection after tons of industrial soap bubbles spew out of a sewer.

Udderly Ridiculous: Oakville shop teacher Kayla Lemieux, who insisted the prosthetic Z-cup breasts worn while instructing students were real, returns in the fall to a new school in Hamilton, without the boobs and blond wig. Bomb threats continue.

Deck the Malls with Balls of Folly: Pro-Palestinian protestors descend on Christmas-packed Eaton Centre and Yorkdale.

Thank you, I’ll see myself out now.